Never better.

I thought I was getting better. In fact, I was. And then along came life and messed me up.

Jared has said some of the ugliest things you could ever imagine. To me, about me. He has called me names that would curl your hair. He tells me daily how much he hates me, how much he hates our family... but mostly me. He tells me there is nothing about me that he likes.

I keep thinking about Diane Holler, a horrible woman I once workd for at Dept. of Rehab. She used to invite me in and ask me questions about what I did on the weekends; what plans did I have going on, etc. She asked all sorts of personal questions.

And then, one day, she starts screaming for whatever reason, and she begins yelling that she doesn't give a shit about my life... about what I do on the weekends.... etc. It was stupid and boring to her, all of my stories and ideas. She just listened so I would think she liked me.

So now I feel like my life has come a full circle. Yesterday we had so much going on, I asked Kevin for help. I had to take Jenna to piano, take Drew to play practice, meet Jared for the baseball meeting... I asked Kevin to be home to watch Nate. I fed the kids (all of them) pasta and salad and green beans, and got everything ready. Took everyone and did everything... except Drew needed to be dropped off and picked up again at 8:30. At 8:30 Drew called and said he was ready. I was in the middle of getting the two youngest ready for bed, and Nathan had just pooped his pants. I asked Kevin could he either go get Drew or change Nates pants. He didn't budge from the computer. So I did both.
As I was leaving I asked Kevin to finish getting them ready for bed... I had already gotten them a snack and helped them brush their teeth... all he needed to do was tuck them in.
Got home 1/2 hour later and they were still up running around. Kevin was on the phone chatting away to his dad. So I did all of that, too.
This morning told Kevin he could have told his dad he would call him right back, and put the kids to bed. He screamed at me... told me he needed to take depression meds before he talked to me... and accused me of sweating the small stuff.

I cannot believe how quickly life can spiral into depression... a seemingly wonderful life can turn sour and black. Nathan wouldn't know an indoor voice if it bit him... he is always yelling. Jenna is bossy and loud, and yells quite a bit. Jared screams his hatred for me everyday, and apparently Kevin feels the same as Diane Holler. It isn't me that Kevin wants... he just doesn't want to lose me because then who would run this entire house... single-handedly?

I need a break. But when I get a break, I miss the children. Well, some of them. After all, how long can a person go being hated before they become numb and don't care anymore? Not as long as you might think.